I have a strange relationship with scotch eggs. You see, I always want to eat them. They look delicious, and sound delicious but they are always pork. I don’t eat pork. I always feel sad to be missing out on the enviable scotch egg experience.

The other day, I was at a market, and I saw a scotch egg that wasn’t pork. It was Haddock. Not exactly the beef or lamb I might have desired, but more importantly, no piggy inside. I practically jumped for joy. ‘Yaaaaaaaaaay!!’ I said as the people standing next to me glanced sideways in a manner that could only be described as askance. I suppose I could understand why. They had obviously never experienced the joy of finding a non pork scotch egg.

Then, came the problem of what to do with it. Being me, I wanted to shove it in my face there and then. I had the lady cut it in half and she put a bit of salt and pepper on it. The egg was perfectly runny and the haddock looked nice if not a bit potato heavy. It was cold though. Was it supposed to be cold? Was I doing this wrong? I always imagined it to be warm and crunchy, but it was cold and not very crunchy at all. I was outdoors, cold day, cold fingers, cold scotch egg. Cold non meat scotch egg. I WANTED A MEAT SCOTCH EGG!

I was feeling disappointed, it was yummy enough, but it wasn’t the experience I was looking for. I’m not sure it was the scotch eggs fault though, it was my expectations. I thought it would satisfy me, even though what I really wanted was to be eating it in a nice cosy pub with a pint. I didn’t want to be outside with popsicle fingers, a shivering Jewess, with an unattainable craving for a ‘real, genuine’ but semi kosher scotch egg. I’m being a bit dramatic I guess, but i’m just flummoxed. Where are all the ‘other meat’ scotch eggs?

If you know where to find them, can you let me know?